I spent some time this weekend getting caught up on current events, which was so depressing I wanted to start drinking at 10 a.m. I can't fathom what world our presidential candidates imagine they live in.

But then I had a more entertaining thought: What if we talked about health, fitness, nutrition, and weight control the same way our prospective leaders talk about foreign and domestic policy? Imagine a debate with the top contenders from each party sharing the stage. It might go something like this:

Romney: Clearly, the answer to the obesity epidemic is to cut exercise. When I was governor of Massachusetts, I signed bills that reduced exercise every single year.

Clinton: Focusing on exercise is the wrong approach. We need to make sure every American has the freedom to choose the food-insurance plan that's best for them. My comprehensive nutrition plan gives Americans the choice of getting their food insurance from McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, KFC, or any other private food provider. It's really about choosing, about choice, and about having chosen.

Obama: Back in 2002, when nobody had ever heard of me, I stood up and opposed obesity. My opponents had the same opportunity, but because people had actually heard of them and they had ambitions for higher office, they voted to give the president a blank check to increase obesity wherever and however he chose. My solution is to have a more civil discussion of the obesity epidemic.

Giuliani: When I took over as mayor of New York City, the average New Yorker weighed 162 pounds. I cut obesity 23 times in my eight years as mayor. We put 12,000 more nutritionists and personal trainers on the streets. By the time I left office, the average citizen in New York had lost 165 pounds. The entire island of Manhattan is now five more feet above sea level because of my success in reducing obesity.

Edwards: There are two Americas, fat and thin, separate and unequal. My campaign is about the people vs. the flavorful. I vow to pursue diplomacy with all the enemies of our waistlines, with the petty lipids as well as the powerful carbohydrate lobby. I will talk to the makers of high fructose corn syrup as well as the purveyors of soybean oil.

Thompson: I worry about obesity when I'm in Tennessee. We're in Virginia now. I think the obesity epidemic is more symbolic than anything else. I support President Bush's policies on obesity. I would keep the good things and let go of the bad things. I support lethal injection for the most seriously obese. Can I get a round of applause? Now let's talk about what you want to talk about. Anybody got an answer?

The pundits would be unanimous in their assessments: Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani won the debate, they would say, because his fabrications were more convincing than anyone else's. But, they'll concede, Hillary Clinton will nonetheless become our next president, because Americans remember that her husband lost weight while in office.

Monday blog meat

• The L.A. Times has an interesting take on longevity. Some really smart people believe that the way we live is much more important than our genes, with 70 percent of the variance in lifespan due to our lifestyle.
• You'd think someone in the Denver Public Schools would've thought to mail their student obesity reports to parents, rather than sending them home with the kids. Still, what could the mother quoted in the story have been thinking? If you have three minutes, check out this video of the mother protesting that her daughter isn't "that overweight." Really, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
• Rannoch Donald, who sent the previous link, also sent this one. It's about an artist who ... well, you just have to click and see for yourself. Words don't do it justice.