Here’s what I want to see more of:  not JUST studies that show that some behavior or another facilitates weight loss, muscle gain, longevity, the cure for manic depression, rickets or sweaty palms, but WHETHER THOSE BEHAVIORS CAN REALISTICALLY BE ADOPTED AND MAINTAINED BY ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS [italics mine].  No matter what a study purports to prove, or how well it seems to prove it, if it doesn’t take into account what humans do in life, well, it isn’t worth much in the real world. 

I tend not to get too excited about a study that tells me, for example, that if I eat 12 crates of kale a day I’ll lose 10 pounds of fat in a month,* because the likelihood that I’ll do that is exactly nil.  Tell me that drinking a glass of green tea per day has various health benefits, including more efficient fat metabolism?  Can do.

The latter type of study takes into account that people live in the real world; the former most decidedly does not.

I read about a lot of studies that proclaim that such-and-such behavior which is commonly thought to help people lose weight in fact DOESN’T, so quit wasting your time, say, drinking lots of water or eating lots of small meals instead of one huge one, because It Just Won’t Help You, and The Science Proves It.

With all due respect, baloney.

The small, frequent meals thing, for instance, has been questioned in a few studies and, according to a handful of smarty-pants types with lots of degrees, been largely put to rest. Control for caloric intake and macronutrient profile, and there’s no difference in weight gain whether you eat those calories over two meals or six. 

But the point of eating small, frequent meals is that it’s inherently better as a diet; it’s just that people TEND to eat less overall when they that way, and they TEND to eat more when they eat bigger meals less often, a fact that is completely obscured in a study that compares the two diets while controlling for caloric intake.

Think of the last time you had an overstuffed and stress-filled day:  You might have been good and eaten breakfast out of sheer habit; maybe a few hours later you had a decent snack and then a healthy lunch at, say 1:30. 

Not too shabby so far. 

But then, after seven or eight stressful hours of working, running around, sucking up to the boss, dressing down slacking co-workers, and road-raging your way through your commute home, you’re famished and edgy.  All you want to do is crack open a beer, grab three pizzas with extra cheese and sausage, and cram it down your gullet like a goose being force-fed.  And so you do, because dammit, you’ve had a hard day and you deserve it, right? 

I’ve been there many times myself.  We have a stressful day and fall off the good-diet wagon, and then pretty soon we just abandon the wagon altogether. 

It’s this totally human, behavioral aspect of dieting and fitness that studies often don’t take into account, and that kinda drives me nuts, because with few exceptions, perhaps, most of us live in a little place called ‘the real world,’ where ‘life’ and ‘jobs’ and kids’ and ‘stress’ actually exist.

Look, if pressed, I could come up with ten different diets right now that, if followed to the letter, would affect weight loss in 100 out of 100 people.  Pretty much everyone with a modicum of knowledge about fitness could.  It’s easy:  eat ONLY high-quality protein sources, a cornucopia of a zillion low-calorie veggies, and some fruit every day of your life.  Drink only water and green tea, and throw in some fish oil and maybe a protein shake or two if you’re exceptionally active.  Don’t eat anything else, and never, ever, deviate so help you God. 

Guess what?  EVERYONE would get healthier on this diet.

A no-fail diet!  We’re billionaires! 

Now, who wants to try it?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Bueller…?


*paid for by the National Kale Association.